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What to do about unmet needs – Part 2

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In my last post, I talked about our neglected parts and unmet needs (click here for a refresher!)

Today I’m back to talk about how to listen to our unmet needs. Simply by listening, we nurture the parts of ourselves that have been pushed away and ignored.

Needs can show up in many ways, if we know what to look for.

  • Sometimes we experience them as longings. A full body response saying “Yes!” even as we pull ourselves away, knowing (or believing) that fulfillment is not for us.
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  • We may find ourselves daydreaming about a fantasy version, imagining a relationship that heals all wounds, or a life of nothing but freedom and pleasure. These are clues, leading us to our needs for connection or relief.
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  • Our bodies can signal pent-up needs through tension and tightness, knots in the stomach, lead in the chest, a lump in the throat. As we slow down and notice our physical sensations, we can ask, “What are you trying to tell me? What do you need?”
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  • Emotions such as irritation, anger, impatience, sadness, grief, anxiety, and even numbness may be bread crumbs leading us to areas of life where we are deprived of what we need to flourish.
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  • Burnout is a clear sign that our giving is out of balance with our receiving. Our well has gone unreplenished for too long.

Here’s the thing: It can be hard to lean into noticing these symptoms of need.

We may have no idea how to fulfill the longing. Just sitting with the sense of lack can feel intolerable.

We may feel internal or external pressure to take an action that scares us, to do something we don’t feel ready to do.

Our lives may be impacted and limited by systemic injustice. We may have stifled our needs out of survival.

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The truth is that we may not have clear access to meeting our needs in the ways we’ve always envisioned.

While we fight for a world that provides wholehearted access to everyone, I very much want you to have more of what you need.

The Practice:

Keep your journal handy, or open up a new note on your phone.

Jot down the five clues to identify needs (See above for the details– and you may find more!):

1. Longings

2. Fantasies

3. Body sensations

4. Emotions

5. Burnout

Once a day, check in with each of the five clues. Notice what comes up, and jot down your discoveries.

If you feel a clue pop up as you go about your day, jot that down, too.

*** It’s extremely important that you not pressure yourself to do anything about getting these needs met, if you don’t feel ready or clear about the path.


The beauty of listening to our needs is that as we feel their presence, we often find ourselves making shifts in our lives, big or small, that feel organic and manageable.

Our needs are our teachers. Let’s open up to their guidance.
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P.S. If, as you listen to your needs, you find that unresolved grief is asking for peace and grounding, I welcome you to join me this Saturday in my live, online workshop Good Goodbyes: A creative practice for cultivating peace in loss.

You can learn more and register here.​

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What to do about unmet needs – Part 2Read More

What to do about unmet needs – Part 1

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Today I’m expanding upon a recent Instagram post that embodies something central to my heart and work.

Here’s the post:

When we start taking our own needs seriously, the neglected parts of us begin to feel safe (maybe for the first time).

We start to feel a level of safety, security, and peace.

The energy we’ve spent trying to ignore those neglected parts now goes into nurturing them.

It can be scary to face the aspects of ourselves we’ve been trying to ignore, but when we do, we find that they are vital parts of us, eager to be loved.

Often we shy away from acting on behalf of our neglected parts because we carry so much pent-up distress from weeks, months, or years of deprivation.

In some cases we feel anger, resentment, or a bottomless pit of grief over how long we’ve lived in a desert of hungry desires.

In other cases, it can feel scary to take the lid off of our true selves and naked needs. We don’t know how to have necessary conversations without losing it.

And often, the intensity of our need frightens us. To attain our desires could bring everything together… or, it could make everything fall apart.

So time crawls by… and we feel vitality trickle away.

As a therapist, coach, and educator, I have a shameless bias:

I’m on the side of your needs.

I know that fulfilling them fills up the tank. It takes us from existence back to life.

Yet, I feel strongly about keeping pace with yourself. Waiting until you’re ready, and going as gently as possible.

That’s why Step One is always, always this:

Just begin to listen to your needs.

Don’t pressure yourself to act on them.

When we make a practice of listening, we organically begin to gather the perspective and strength to act.

When we’re ready. On no one else’s timetable but our own.

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(If you’re wondering how to listen to your needs, see What to do about unmet needs – Part 2!).

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A story about finding peace in loss

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My Uncle Refaat was a physican in Egypt. The last of his siblings to remain in the country of their birth, he visited us in the US every few years.

During my two trips to Egypt, he was our host, spending each day with us as we visited ancient sites and spent time with family and friends.

I was nine years old during our first trip. Bewildered by the country (which I came to love) and stressed by family dynamics, I developed abdominal discomfort.

I was told to lie down so that Uncle Refaat could take a look. I’ll never forget the way he gently asked, “May I examine you?” I felt safe in his hands.

My uncle was compassionate, respectful. His patients adored him.

Twelve years ago, we learned that he was hospitalized due to blood clots. Information was hard to get.

My Uncle Refaat died a few days later, alone in Egypt.

Why hadn’t I called him? I remember berating myself, no place to go to resolve my feelings of sadness and guilt. It was too late.

I turned to the small collages I’d been making for years. Created intuitively, each carried messages of wisdom and insight.

That day, the collages gave voice to what my mind could not express.

I began to revisit them each night before bed, repeating the words I needed to say to carry me through my grief, and release my uncle into his wholeness.

I continued this practice until it felt complete inside me. Until I felt I was ready to say goodbye to saying goodbye.

We are entering into the season that so many cultures experience as a thinning between this world and the one behind the veil.

Each year around this time, I pull out my collages and remember my uncle. I miss him. Sadness still rises.

But as I repeat the words that laid my stormy grief to rest, I feel connection rise as well.

If you are carrying loss (of any kind) and have not yet found tranquility, I want to invite you to participate in the same collage practice that helped me transition from chaotic loss to peaceful remembrance.

Click here to learn more

A story about finding peace in lossRead More