So many of us feel stretched, exhausted, and burnt out by people pleasing– and yet terrified at the thought of letting it go. And that makes sense! In families and communities that value obedience over authenticity, people pleasing develops unconsciously as a core method for avoiding the unbearable pain of criticism, rejection, and abandonment.
So why give it up? I’ll share with you my most compelling reason: Because when we’re people pleasing, we aren’t actually connecting.
People pleasing masks who we really are and what we truly need. When we people please, we suppress and exile parts of ourselves that we think will be a turn off. Yet, if we bond with someone while hiding behind this mask, the bond isn’t real– they aren’t connecting with us, because we aren’t showing up as ourselves.
That’s why the anxiety that goes along with people pleasing can’t be shaken off. Real connection, which happens when people show up authentically, ask for what they need, and bond with each other’s true selves, brings feelings of warmth, security, spontaneity, and relaxation.
People pleasing feels the opposite: Tense, fearful, stressed, insecure. We worry that eventually the persona we’re performing will crack, and then we’ll be rejected. Every interaction feels like a gauntlet, and the goal isn’t deepening into comfort and pleasure– it’s getting through without being hurt.
I’m here to tell you that it’s absolutely possible to learn how to go from people pleasing to snuggling into the warmth and safety of true connection. It takes courage, but it’s one of my passions to support that courage with guidance.
If you, like me, have had experiences of rejection that make it hard to risk, to be open about who you are and what you need, then I’d love to bring my training and lived experience to gently help you unlearn people pleasing so that you can hold onto your true self in relationships of every kind, and start receiving the care and support you need.
Just contact me for a free 15-20m phone conversation about whether my therapy or coaching could be right for you.
Learn how to listen to your feelings and needs in this post: What to do about unmet needs